1. Fall TV is a mere two weeks away and I can barely gather the energy to plan out my Tivo schedule.
2. I have yet to watch the final episode of The Glee Project.
3. When faced with the option of either mindlessly watching TV or losing myself in a good book I chose to…sleep.
4. I had a kitty wanting to snuggle with me and instead I pushed her to the ground because I had no energy to even pet her.
5. A guy cut me off and almost made me crash on the highway and I didn’t even give him the finger.
6. I cried during an episode of Law and Order I happened to be flipping channels past because the cop was being mean to the supposed bad guy (I had no idea what was going on in the episode) In fact, I'm crying at the stupidest things. I also seem to freak out over the stupidest things too.
7. On the other hand a coworker told me about his step-mother-in-law’s tragic accident and the family having to decide what to do and I felt not one stirring of any emotion. That scared me.
8. I can not find the energy to do anything, even things I usually enjoy, let alone things like laundry, cleaning and various tasks I need to do. Thus I am finding recycling socks and cat litter covering the tile floor are not so bad.
9. I don’t want to talk to anyone because the idea of trying to explain everything that is going on and why I sound depressed is too overwhelming to even think about let alone execute.
10. I am snapping at Charming for the littlest things. I don’t mean to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I can’t stop myself.
One more, because this one is most troubling of all: I am not getting as upset with shit at work like I usually do. Either I have accepted it is going to suck or I just don’t have the energy to care anymore. I know I have to get out of there but I don’t know what to do. Seems silly to leave a job that pays somewhat well when so many are out there unable to find work.
I am also so disgusted with myself and how I look, how I have let myself go. But it is too overwhelming to try to do anything about it. I fear I am passed the point of any help.
So this is why I can’t seem to blog. Which is ironic because so much is going on and I know talking about it would probably help, blogging should be the logical course for me to deal. But I can’t muster up anything extra in order to write things out. I barely have enough energy to get through my day to day. Too many horrible things are happening and I am getting overwhelmed. I would love to be able to go to bed for a month and hope everything will work itself out, but I know that is not going to happen. I know I should get everything out, I know it would help, especially with the depression, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about much any more. I don’t care to talk, to do anything. I just need to try and be.
Because just being is so hard for me right now.
11 Deposits in the Crazy Bin:
:) You blogged! That's a start! A beginning of the practice of getting back in the habit. An unloading of a small bit of whatever is on your mind that is sucking your energy into it, instead of allowing you to apply yourself and your energy to living your life. Keep coming back. Keep blogging. A little bit at a time. It will help. Things will get better. You will feel better. Sometimes when are hands are too full, we have to put things down one small item at a time, carefully, instead of just dropping the whole thing. We're here for you. Just keep trying.
have you taken a pregnancy test??? stranger things have happened you know, and you are pretty much describing things that happen when you are pregnant.
If not, what about taking an anti depressant? just a mild one could help...
hugs to you Amanda, hang in there!
Tonija: if I didn't have the period from hell right now I would be over the moon at being miserable because I'm pregnant. :(
I'm glad Tonja said what I was too hesitant to ask!
Also, I think you should refer to this list for your next 10 blog posts. One post detailing each issue you mentioned. That will help get things off your mind and further clear your head. Not to mention it gives you a pretty handy guide to refer to and no excuses about not knowing what to write.
Oh, and don't forget- PMS magnifies EVERYTHING!
You are so dear and it hurts me to have you feeling so low.
Keep posting so we can commiserate with you.
((((HUGS))))
Damn! I was hoping! maybe your hormones are getting ready....
This is becoming a serious situation, lady. These are the classic signs of clinical depression. Please get some help.
Aw, I'm sorry you feel like this. I literally know exactly how you're feeling, and I can tell you, it doesn't have to be the end of the world (even if it feels that way).
(OMG, I am so sick of Blogger! I typed a very long comment and it was lost when I went to post it. GRRR! Anyway, let me try this again.)
I think Jen's idea of focusing on each of the 10 things you listed here is a great idea. It will force you to really study each issue and maybe, in the process of giving it your full attention, you can start to work out some patterns or possible things that YOU DO have control over to help cope with the problems. I think you'll be surprised what you might discover.
And I absolutely feel you need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as possible. Why a psychiatrist, and not a counselor or psychologist, or even your regular MD? Because a psychiatrist is specially trained to analyze your symptoms and determine the correct plan of action. It may be medication, or it could be counseling/therapy, or a combination of both. Just go right to the best source from the get-go to get a handle on what is going on with you. I've been seeing my psychiatrist for over 6 years now, and he's helped me get through a lot of tough times. We've had to adjust medications over the years but for the most part, I have experienced a lot of relief from my depression while under his care. It can be hard to accept that you might need a chemical to regulate your brain, but it's nothing to be ashamed of if that's the case. If you had high cholesterol, you'd take medication to treat that-- I wish more people would realize that is no different than treating a mental condition.
The thing is, you can't wallow in this. It will not get better if you do that. Depression is treatable, but you do have to take that first step to get the treatment you need. You are a strong, powerful and intelligent woman, so use that to FIGHT! You're better than this stupid illness, and you can and will get better if you commit yourself to doing it. Sure, it's some work and it right now can be easier to crawl into bed or drown your sorrows in ice cream... but facing your problems head-on instead of running from them will truly empower you and give you a glimmer of hope. It comes from within-- that feeling of knowing "I am now doing something about this" is really an amazing little thing. Trust me on this. You have seen me work through some VERY dark times and come out the other end all the better!
(Yes, right now my own depression is attempting to break through again, but I'm not going to let it win. Oh, hell no! I'm better than that. I will beat it back for the rest of my life, probably... but I'm never going to give up. Why should I? Why should an illness get the best of me??)
I just know you can get over this and come out on the other end a more contented, self-aware and self-sufficient woman. You'll know you can take on even the most insidious of challenges-- DEPRESSION -- and crush it under your heel. And you'll gain experience and tools to use if and when it ever tries to come back again. I know I fall back on things that worked say, a year ago, to get me out of the inevitable funks that pop up here and there. But I know how to do that now. That's the point.
That whole "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" thing is SO TRUE.
So, don't waste another day. First, get someone to help you come up with a plan of attack and a strategy to beat back this storm. Use the tools they suggest, and even though the battle might be tough at times, giving up won't solve anything.
And you need to be HEALTHY. There's little chance you will get pregnant if you are not taking care of your WHOLE body, and that includes your mind. It's amazing the power of negative thinking can have to suck vitality from our bodies.
You can do this and you WILL do this. Good luck, and have faith. <3
Sister,
I am worried about you. Clinical depression is serious but can also be caused by hormone imbalances which we become more privy to in our mid thirties and on as we reach the infamous perimenopause. Hormonal imbalances cause a plethora of problems including weight gain, depression, and completely energy loss and are typically the underlying cause that goes silently unnoticed. Do some googling on the subject and you will find many people never knew what was wrong until they got their hormone levels balanced. If you need someone to chit chat to help you feel better, you can always call me.
Wish you well
-B
I didn't see this post until today and I can totally relate to what you are saying. I've been in a bit of funk right now too. But you can get through this one day at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you can make it! And I totally get the snapping at Charming when you don't mean too, I've been doing that with Joe and I can't seem to stop myself.
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